"it's thirty pages of heartbreak & survival, addiction & love. this zine is full of questions & answers & a girl begging the world to give her a chance to make things right, forgive her mistakes & lend a helping hand each morning when she fights to get out of bed. cover art by the amazing cristy road."
From Sub Rosa #6
I can't sleep. This boy, my not-boyfriend, is so tall, so large that he takes up most of my bed. At first it's ok, I like being tucked up against him, his beard scratching my face as I lay wrapped in his arms but I can't move.... I'm stuck and I want to turn over, turn away. But he's still there, so tall, so large.
He smells sweet. It's a sweetness I can't place but it's mixed with booze and cigarettes, it's the kind of sweet I would bottle so I could keep it forever. As he sleeps I study his face. The curve of his jaw reminds me of my father. It feels comfortable, safe even. I take my finger and gently trace the tattoos on his chest, trying not to wake him as I continue to study the lines on his face. His almost perky nose, the wrinkles on his forehead, the bags under his eyes. They all contradict each other. This young man, my not-boyfriend, looks aged beyond his years.
Hours later he leaves and I turn over to smell the pillow his head was on in hopes that the sweetness lingers. I run my hand over the empty place in my bed and even though he just left I find myself wishing he was still there. I lay there longer than I should, ignoring my plans to go to the farmer's market. I lay there and think about him, my not-boyfriend. I wonder if I'm in the early stages of heartbreak.